His Smile...

His smile...

Oh my God his smile

It reminds me that there's humor in the world.

And his laugh is the soundtrack

Of beautifully crazy moments

That we can see replay when we go to sleep at night.

My fingers find serenity in the spaces between his

Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle where the picture is we

In a crowded room of people

All it takes is one glance and we know the answer was always us.

And it's the way he makes me laugh

And most of the time, what he says is actually funny.

But don't tell him I said that

Even though he may secretly know...

It's a secret we both like to share.

The way he can appreciate the humor in every day life

And the fact that he's not afraid to laugh at himself.

It's the doors he holds open,

His habit of walking on the traffic side of the sidewalk,

And the fact that his jacket is always too big, but always just warm enough.

There are days we don't get along

Sometimes his conviction,

Which I nickname stubbornness,

Drives me insane.

And I don't know what's going to happen

the next time he critiques my driving....

But God bless him,

He puts up with those days when I play space cadet.

And, besides my sister,

I don't know anyone more patient than he is when I need driving directions.

But at the end of the day

My favorite place to be

is between is folded arms and his chest.

And I look into his eyes

And I realize that this is what it feels like.

When I close my eyes I can see him...

God, I can't wait to meet him.

You Don't Remember Me

Yeah, we went to high school together

You were in my math class,

and my spanish class,

we were in band together,

choir? dance?

...we were doubles partners in Tennis.

But you still don't remember me.

The disgusting cafeteria food,

Mr. Thompson's long lectures on international trade policies

The smell of the hallway by the boy's locker room...

Things you remember about high school

But you don't remember me.

You passed me in the hall

Every single day

I was the one you had to step around

When I was in your way.

One time, freshman year, I let you copy my homework in Spanish

Because, I knew what it was like to forget to do the assignment.

But you still don't remember me.

But I remember you

And I will for the rest of my life

I remember the snickers you and your friends gave me

Some days when I passed by.

I remember the taunting

When I had to use a Hello Kitty backpack.

Because the one I saved my money up for

Got ruined in a car wreck.

Your words and your laughter

Would rotate through my gut

Like laundry in the dryer

On a cycle that wouldn't stop.

It was late March, Sophomore year

When I found refuge in a bathroom stall

The bile that was created

From the way that I was treated

Finally, found, it's way out.

A physical release, of the mental hold you had on me.

My sacrifice to the high school life

You turned into a Hell.

But you don't remember me.

On that battle ground of the high school grounds

You brought weapons;

Perfect highlights, flawless skin,

A guy on your arm who belonged in Abercrombie and Fitch.

Manicured hands, a glowing tan

...did I mention he was a college man?

But I wasn't your only victim

There were days when I got lucky

Those days when you completely ignored my existence

Those were the days I looked forward to.

But when I caught the eye, of your daily catch

We'd share a glance as silent and quick as the time it took you to forget about us.

But I want to thank you.

Because of what you put me through

I developed great strength.

You kicked me when I was already down,

So I'm who I am today.

No longer hiding in that bathroom stall

I shout from rooftops, I speak to you all.

From the depths of my lungs I have harnessed a weapon so powerful

Sometimes it scares me.

I've made fear into phrases

And anger into rhymes.

Conviction in my voice

With passion in my lines.

But you see, our main difference,

When you start comparing,

Is that I will never use my weapon for hurting.

In your hand is the hand of your fiance

In my hand's a mic.

You have your picture perfect high school memories

Me, I have the rest of my life.

You see, I'm going places

In no time, I'll make you see.

So for future reference,

You might want to remember me.

The Optimistic Insomniac.

Some people like to lay in bed and think,

Well I prefer to sleep.

Because laying there pondering the wonders of my world that late, to me, just seems too deep.

And on those nights when I can't fall asleep

Questions arise in my head that I find strange and unfamiliar. Like:

If you're driving down the highway and you cut someone off, and he doesn't have a thumb, is he still giving you the middle finger?

But see, these questions don't come because of the influence of any drug or substance,

But because I never bothered to build up walls to contain my imagination.

See, my imagination is my escape when I turn on the TV to a News that should be rated R.

R for redundant, reprobated, risky and repugnant.

For those radical realists who reach for resistance from recreant ringleaders who rarely get revealed for what they really represent.

In this world I've seen people get attacked.

Not because of what they believe in

But because of what others don't.

I'm watching this world fall apart

Not because of what people are doing

But because of what people won't.

But we're told:

"Stay in school," "Do your best,"

"Study hard," "Ace the test,"

"The real world is hard."

Well no f***ing kidding

Because nothing I learned in this classroom,

Will I be repeating.

You see, as a person,

I'm more than the sum of my broken hearts.

And I'm not going to compromise to hypothesize the changes that might take place,

Because, I don't know about you, but I'm tired of running in this fixed human race.

I have a better Idea,

How 'bout a fun run?

Where the prize is success

And everyone gets one.

Or how about a game of Scrabble for those with smarts

Or maybe pictionary for those with a knack for the arts?

In my utopia,

Everyone wins.

Hearts are invincible

And there is no sin.

The dreams are many

And the nightmares are few

Love is abound

Hate is subdued.

I build these ideas up

Only to be dissapointed.

You can imagine the insomnia

that seems to follow

As my head continues to spin.

While I try to come up with a plan

To create a world without

heartache, nightmares, or sin.

So while you stay up pondering over

Unpaid bills, that cute guy at work, or why you haven't heard the baby make a peep...

I believe now, you'll understand me when I say;

"I would rather sleep."

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

Have you ever screamed secrets at the moon?

You know those ones that even God pretends not to hear

Those secrets that sound like timeless poems envolcalized not because of any illiteration or format but simply because they are so damn honest? ..Neither have I.

But sometimes, sometimes, I drink my coffee as if its saving lives. You know those black-as-Malcom-Xs-Pupils pot-of-pure-potential nights? I let it crash down my throat like an oil spill riding the tide. And for a spilt fleeting Hudinni second I feel alive.

Because my friends, this world can feel so big and I can feel so small forget saving this earthly monster, I don't feel like getting out of bed at all. But some can't get out of bed at all. Some lay lifeless before they can crawl. I have dreams of atheists falling to bloody knees Please, I'll pray to you all

But you can't always get what you want....

Why do I know this world is so big? Because the term World Peace sounds childish. Because the word love, amore, amor'e is lost in sex and city star dust. I love, I love you, I love you. Why is that so hard to say? It's so much easier to say I hate you, I hate life, I hate me, I hate that I hate. I hate that it takes a six pack or mic to really get behind what I say. And thats the reason the only time I say what I mean is when I'm drunk or on stage. Sometimes a combination of the two. ...And that can get really realistic.

But you can't always get what you want....

You see we're humans. And I'm not talking about that propaganda slipped into our blood at birth that says that we naturally urge for sex and flesh and that its our instinct to hurt. Sorry, but that seems like a lid screwed on too tightly. 6 Billion humans agreeing what Human Nature is doesn't begin to explain what it could be. When I say human I mean creator. When I say creator I mean you. And this isn't a pep talk, I'm simply giving back what they took from you in school.

But you can't always get what you want....

Isn't it weird that those really big thoughts don't hit you when you're doing small tasks? Like day dreaming about a child being slaughtered in Sudan doesn't hit you while you're cutting the grass. But if it does it only stays for the length of a commercial. And then it's back to the main program starring us where we seek friends like Ross and Rachel.

But these things are happening. Trust me. This is it, this is reality. But so is beauty blooming inhale, exhale, balancing.

But you can't always get...

Even if you expect on getting it. I read up on someone who was tired of waiting, jumped right into creation and called it Genesis.

America the Beautiful Parody

O beautiful for spacious skies

Polluted beyond repair.

For purple mountain majesties

There are Wal*Marts everywhere.

America, America

We spread our trash on thee

And crown they good with brotherhood

Wherever the goods are free.

O beautiful for pilgrim feet

Who marched indians to their death

A thoroughfare of freedom beat.

Well, what good beats are left.

America, America,

Wall Street mend all of thine scars.

Confirm thy soul in self-control

From interns and pop stars

O beautiful for patriot dream
Of an umbrella drink on a beach somewhere
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Under years of wear and tear.
America, America
We'll "Go Green" to preserve thee.
With oil drills and oil spills
From sea to shining sea.

The Intro to My Act.

People ask if slamming is rap

I answer two-thirds

See the backbone to my rhymes

Is the meaning behind the words.

The words touch your heart

Feel the rhythm in your feet.

A linguistic gun in one hand

I don't need a beat.

I'll run circles around you.

But I'm no jock.

In the band for six years

I made the schoolhouse rock.

From the classroom to the stage

From my paper to your ears.

Love, Hate, Happiness,

Relationships, and Fears.

I'm that poetic aesthetic

I'll paint you a scene

Make the world seem less pathetic

Sad, as it may seem.

Everything you know about poetry, forget.

This is a different type of reading.

This is something you'll get.

I'm not here to change you,

Or blow your mind.

I want you to question yourself

And the answers you find.

I stand before you

With what time I got

To share with you some things

And to fill a time slot.

Poetry 101

It started off just a habit,

Something to pass the time.

A pen and some paper,

And some words that rhymed.

First family and friends

Lent a supportive ear.

Then over 300 people

Gathered to hear.

Slam is the poetry

I choose to speak

Real life is the material

I use to teach.

Drugs, Depression,

Alcohol, and Sex

With a little religion

Who knows what I'll use next.

I don't need a degree

To teach this passion.

All I need is a mic

And a touch of conviction.

So throw out your pencils,

Take a seat, and listen.

Welcome to Poetry 101.

Class is in session.

Emily Martin

September 6, 2010

Sex Sells

Kids are growing up faster than ever.

Every generation's just another younger mother.

It's on the TV, in the music, in the way we dress.

Is it really what we want? It's time to confess.

Because the only thing that sells anymore is sex.

When the shock factor's gone

What will they use next?

When kids start using words that make you blush,

Or when the prom queen is pregnant, and childhood is rushed,

Maybe when it's your kid who didn't use protection,

"But mom, it's ok, they made it on television."

What will it take

To make you see

That the reality that sells

Is on reality TV?

No one's entertained by the Honor Roll,

Working 9-5, or moral birth control.

It's when people mess up, or someone gets screwed,

But we're the entertainers, we're the ones who choose.

They can't Top the Charts, or Rock the Box Office

If the material they're selling doesn't entertain us.

Want the world to slow down? Then stop giving checks

To billion dollar companies who keep selling us sex.

July 23, 2010

I'm a Believer <>< (Extended Edition)

I'm searching for a word
Looking through the songs
Maybe a rhyme
Just to right the wrongs

A message in the sky
Maybe a sign from above
Noah had it right
Where's my branch and my dove?

Ask the non-believers
They're havin' a fit.
They look at my people
One word: hypocrite.

Saturday night;
"Hey they're playing my song!"
All seven deadly sins
Playing all night long.

Sunday morning
and it's a different story
Wake up just in time
To sing to His Glory.

Sit in the pews
Bow your head
Ask for forgiveness
...And do it all again.

Monday comes
You're back at work
Talk about the new girl
And how your boss is a jerk.

Chrome fish on your car
A Bible on your shelf
Grace before dinner
Yet you ask yourself:

Who am I really?
Why am I here?
If you'd crack open that Bible,
You'd find it's clear.

You're here to Live for Him
Because He died you you,
You're here to show people
Just what His love can do.

"Let your light so shine..."
See your way through the dark
Know that you're His
He lives in your heart.

To the non-believers;
I pray for you
Because I know that
My God loves you too.
(-June 14, 2010)

To all of you
It starts today.
I'm looking at the future,
And for this I pray:


That you stand for what's right,
Not afraid to take the lead.
Your life may be the only Bible
That some people read.


That no matter what happens
You remember Him.
Lord in your name I pray,
and play,
Amen.
(-July 12, 2010)

The Landscape(s) of My Mind.

In the last couple of years, I've had some of the darkest times of my life. I have felt so alone, alienated, betrayed, and sad that quite literally nothing seemed to matter. I could stare into dark space for hours. Words running through my mind, names of people who had wronged me, messages of self loathing, and yes, even some thoughts of self-harm. The first time I experienced this, it lasted for about 3 months, the last time; it only lasted for a couple of weeks. I've come to the conscious decision: I am never going back to that place again. The only way I feel I can get people to understand, is to describe to them the difference in the "landscape" of my mind.

Let me set the scene for you.

Most days, it's what I consider the perfect day. Around 55-60 degrees (just chilly enough for a hoodie), and it's breezy. I'm on a path, often one that's man-made after years of wondering. There are trees on both sides, and the sun hits them in such a way that the dying leaves of autumn are a rich golden hue. As I walk down the path, I do nothing but soak in the awe-striking beauty of nature. The most beautiful shades of green, yellow, blue, and red. Colors so crisp that only God could have created them. There's music; there's always music. Often times though, the music has no lyrics. Sometimes I find myself stopping and listening for the lyrics, just knowing that the hidden words are the answers to my questions, my predicaments, even my problems.

However.

There were days when it was dreary out. The temperature was about the same, but with no wind. No movement of any kind really. It looked like the very end of autumn. There were no leaves on the trees, yet there wasn't any evidence that they had fallen either. The grass was a pale shade of green, there was hardly sign of life at all. There was barely any color. But the worst part was; the music was gone. I would wonder around, but I didn't get anywhere. More than sad, it was frustrating.

Not Normal... or the New Normal?

Usually when it comes to my feelings, whether it be sadness, joy, depression, or alienation, I wait to share them. I wait till a muse hits me; the right string of words, in a slightly sing-song manner, in four lined verses, in my attempt at a slightly amateur version of poetry. Well, as you can tell if you read my last post, my life has changed a little once again :) Where there was once bleakness, alienation, betrayal, and distress, there's now genuine joy, laughter, anticipation, and life!

Those of you who know me; I know what you're thinking: Emily must be with a new guy. (rolling eyes). Ok, yes, that's true. And, yes, he does add to this new jubilation. However, he isn't the sole cause.

Over the past couple of months, I've dealt with shitty relationship situations. From friends, to "interests," to rejection, to betrayal, to pain, and everything in between. I was slipping back into this place of sadness, where frankly, I never want to be again. But like the like the lucky few of us who are put in that situation, I had someone throw me a line.

I had a friend who, from the beginning of this mess, in July 2009, told me that I had to create my own happiness. I took it as, Ok, I have to go out and make friends. That wasn't it, not really. She repeated; "You have to create your own happiness." Ok, happiness isn't something that's going to fall into my lap, I have to work for it. And I did, but that just left me exhausted, not to mention trying way too hard. She repeated the lesson a third time. And as much as I hate to say it (because the dregree of cliche is obnoxious) the third time was the charm! I finally realized that what I was relying on, was the exact thing that was hurting me the entire time. I felt like such a fool, that I hadn't seen it before.

I had to create my own happiness. A happiness that was for me, created by me, dependent upon myself only. I had to decide that I was going to be happy, and that I was going to have to rely solely on myself, because, like I had learned, sometimes you don't have anyone else.

More coming soon, but I need sleep. Slepp right now, will make me happy :)

Good night everyone :)

Always,

Emily.

Sometimes Life Can be so Kind

There’s a name that’s on my mind,
A smile on my face.
One of life’s surprises,
A fantastic touch of Grace.

A beautiful coincidence.
A lovely twist of fate
Not one moment too soon
Not a second too late.

I was happy by myself
Then he came waltzing in.
Now I’m happy with myself
While I’m standing next to him.

Clasped together hands
A subtle exchanged glance,
I couldn’t have asked
For a better circumstance.

No one saw it coming
I still think, sometimes; Surreal.
But then I see his smile
And I know, I'm sure, it's real.

April 28, 2010

The Lesson She Learned...

Once Upon a Time,

Well, it happened again.

All it took was one guy

And the girl who fell for him.

Just one small blip

In an even smaller chapter.

She meant nothing to him

Neither before, nor after.

I hope he knows

That from him she learned

Emotions can't be shown.

Trust won't be earned.

"Feelings are boring,

Kissing is fun."

She pretended to agree.

She was the dumb one.

She still sees him months later

There's no longer a crush.

He doesn't think about her

But he taught her so much.

As more time passes

She'll forget the pain.

Years later,

She won't recall his name.

But with every guy she meets

She'll guard her heart.

She'll put up a wall

Before the feelings can start.

She'll shield her emotions

Refuse to feel pain

All because Once Upon a Time

She met what's-his-name.

March 9, 2010

River Drive

(This poem was inspired by a wonderful conversation I had earlier today)

Get in the Car
Turn the key to START
Turn up the base
Let it revamp your heart.

Let it consume you
The sound and the road
Be your own entertainer
Let your mind unload.

The rear-view mirror
Shows no one to lead.
In your car, alone,
Be who you want to be.

The cold and the dark
Suggest fear and strife.
But this path is well lit
All you have are headlights.

Gray and black
Are the colors you see.
The simplicity
Invites tranquility.

Drive the speed you want
The destination you choose.
Better than sleep,
The drive is my muse.

Walking up to my porch
I'm back in real life
Until our next engagement,
Just me and River Drive.

Single

Face to the sun
Heat on my skin.
Finally happier, myself
Than I had been with him.

Love isn't always kissing.
Self-worth isn't holding hands.
This peace is mine for me.
Now I smile because I can.

I see things in a new light
I'm better than I knew.
I've come so very far
The pain has been subdued.

The nights no longer hurt me
They're filled with dreams brand new.
No more tear-stained pillows.
My days are brighter too.

Life is getting better
Just like I knew it would.
There's so much to look forward to
Wouldn't change a moment if I could...

To an Old Friend

A forever friend

A constant enemy

I never at the moment

Knew what you meant to me.

So many lessons learned

Endless memories made

For me, you've done so much

Yours is my debt to pay.

Cold nights and bitter mornings

Every season of the year

Our future used to scare me

But it's a different kind of fear.

Love, lust, and lies

We've been through it all

At times I don't deserve it

But you'd catch me if I'd fall

This poem is for you, my friend

My love for you, I cannot hide.

For all the things you've taught me, Time,

Thanks for being on my side.

Feb 17, 2010

True Story...

So I had a blog where all of my writings were kept, but then someone with obviously way too much time on their hands decided hacking it sounded like fun. So my old blog got flagged, and I was kicked off. All of these writings were obviously not done the same day (i.e. 'Thanksgiving' was done on Thanksgiving). However, I still wanted to keep them all together.

Welcome to the Recollection.

A Walk Remembering

Walking through the park

With you by my side.

Talking, joking, laughing,

We were feeling alright.

Too young to grow up.

Decisions were made.

It was for the best

Sure the feelings would fade.

As the nights creep in

I lie awake in the dark.

Thinking about nothing,

I'm back at the park.

But the trees are all gone,

Only the shadows remain.

It all looks familiar,

But nothing feels the same.

Why must moving on

Mean cutting all ties?

And why do we believe

Some of the biggest lies?

Because;

It's ok to love

Those you've left behind.

It's alright to let them

Cross your mind.

It's normal to feel fear

When looking ahead.

Sometimes what you do

Won't make sense in your head.

Places you've seen

And people you know.

When you look back years later

What will you have to show?

Your memories are yours

Whether you want them or not.

Your memories show you

What you had and what you've got.

Whether it's your very first kiss,

A slow dance in the dark,

Laughing among friends,

Or that walk in the park.

February 12, 2010.

These are the Things That My Mother Doesn’t Know

At the start
I sit on the side
Tell a little white lie
So my friends seem alright.

But then
the fun goes on
And I just can’t run
Self-control just doesn’t last that long.

When it seems like you can’t grow up
Till you look back now and it was a bit too much
Sure it was fun then
But was it worth it in the end?
Yes.

On those mornings after you never went to sleep
During those nights when your thoughts went too deep
What were you thinking? And why?
Have you ever considered suicide?

When the world says fuck
And you’re shit out of luck
No one knows why
But your emotions get stuck

There are days when breathing seems hard.
There are days when people seem too far.
There are days when conversation seems a chore
…But then someone makes you smile and you last another while.
Thanks.

These are the things that my mother doesn't know
Some of the things that I try not to show.
But if she even had the slightest idea
Would I still be the daughter she's always held dear?
No.

So tomorrow I'll wake up and say good morning
Tell her another "fairy tale story."
Smile as I put my thoughts on a shelf
On the way to school I'll try convincing myself.

January 31, 2010

Thanksgiving (The Verb is in the Word)

Being Thanksgiving, today I am reminded of all those things I take for granted...
I am Thankful that I live in a country where I am free to read/speak the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I am Thankful for those in my life who have shown me what loving a person really means.
I am Thankful for the diversity I see in everyday life, and the strength is has given me to be accepting of others.
I am Thankful for second chances because sometimes people need a chance to apply the lesson they learned from the mistakes.
I am Thankful for those who speak the truth, especially when it's harder to give than it is to take.
I am Thankful for the people in my life that have shown me light on my darkest days.
I am Thankful that I have so many reasons to smile every single day.
I am Thankful for my family, for teaching me that sometimes it's more than a blood connection.
I am Thankful for my Calling, and the journey it sets before me.
I am Thankful for my Parents, they're on this crazy trip too, and if they haven't given up, it gives me hope.
I am Thankful for my ability to write, because expressing my emotions makes it easier to deal with them.
I am Thankful for the power or Prayer, for those days when God is easier to talk to than people.
I am Thankful that I never go without.
I am extremely Thankful for the fact that the idea of serving others has been stressed all my life.

I am Thankful for Peace, Love, and Light God has shed upon my life

Pure Beauty

I do not truly understand how so many people can make their way around or past the park without taking a look inside...

Do people really not see what I see?

That every living thing, no matter the color, size, or noise it makes is beautiful? That with every flower that blooms, the promise that there will be a tomorrow is evident? That every dying tree is proof of the past? That every calling animal is proof that there is life outside our species, and that there are other ways of survival?
People see the park as entertainment. A place to take the kids to run off some steam, a place to leave themselves behind, much like the movie theater. I see it as a reminder of what true beauty really is.
The beauty of nature is perfect...because it has to be. I believe that no one person is perfect, but nature, the pure beauty of the earth, is the very definition of perfection.

Today I have concluded: That the sounds of nature isn't really sound at all. It's the string of thoughts that come to the surface of our consciousness when nature brings us to that level of peace.

A Day at the Park

I went to kill time... but when I got there, I found peace of mind.

Fate.
Choices.
Genes.
Environment.
Society.

Who/What decides who we become?
As I sit here: on a bench-in the shade-by a pond
i have the rare ability to see both book-ends of life.
Children running on the playground without a clue as to what comes next. They live simply day-by-day.
At the same time; a group of a much older generation is grouped together talking, walking, and sharing stories. I notice, they live the same way: day-by-day. While choosing whether or not to accept what they know os coming next.
While I am no where near the middle, much closer to birth than death, I'm almost jealous of their life-style. Children know exactly who they are. They define themselves with much simpler terms. They're sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, and students. Instead of being individuals, their lives are characterized by their relationships with others.
The elderly, they've been on their adventures, they've met people, been places, experienced life. They know the answers. But the answers are theirs... not mine.

Our lives cannot be truly defined by others. Others' perceptions are a part of their lives more than they are ours'. To actually know yourself, you have to be able to pick yourself a part. Every piece of yourself. What you believe, what you know, what you've experienced, what you've learned... all things that make us, us. Makes our lives, our lives.

But when does that life really begin? For years, upon decades, upon centuries, science and religion have both laid claim to the answer. Conception vs First Breath (Birth). But that's not the "life" I'm discussing. Because when we look back at our childhood, or our infancy, was that life?
Or does life start when Free Will begins? And when is that? Adolescence? Adulthood? How long do we hide behind who we're expected to be, before who we really arebecomes obvious?
When will who we are and who we're meant to become acknowledge the others' existence?

And when that happens... will we know?