In the last couple of years, I've had some of the darkest times of my life. I have felt so alone, alienated, betrayed, and sad that quite literally nothing seemed to matter. I could stare into dark space for hours. Words running through my mind, names of people who had wronged me, messages of self loathing, and yes, even some thoughts of self-harm. The first time I experienced this, it lasted for about 3 months, the last time; it only lasted for a couple of weeks. I've come to the conscious decision: I am never going back to that place again. The only way I feel I can get people to understand, is to describe to them the difference in the "landscape" of my mind.
Most days, it's what I consider the perfect day. Around 55-60 degrees (just chilly enough for a hoodie), and it's breezy. I'm on a path, often one that's man-made after years of wondering. There are trees on both sides, and the sun hits them in such a way that the dying leaves of autumn are a rich golden hue. As I walk down the path, I do nothing but soak in the awe-striking beauty of nature. The most beautiful shades of green, yellow, blue, and red. Colors so crisp that only God could have created them. There's music; there's always music. Often times though, the music has no lyrics. Sometimes I find myself stopping and listening for the lyrics, just knowing that the hidden words are the answers to my questions, my predicaments, even my problems.
However.
There were days when it was dreary out. The temperature was about the same, but with no wind. No movement of any kind really. It looked like the very end of autumn. There were no leaves on the trees, yet there wasn't any evidence that they had fallen either. The grass was a pale shade of green, there was hardly sign of life at all. There was barely any color. But the worst part was; the music was gone. I would wonder around, but I didn't get anywhere. More than sad, it was frustrating.
